by Tara Mackey | Blogroll, Happiness, Health
Fears are funny little beliefs we have that trigger chemical reactions in us. They usually mean different things for different people. The same thing that scares someone to death, like jumping out of a plane, is a sport that someone like Guinness World Record holder Don Kellner has done over 42,000 times since 1961, purely for fun!
Here are important steps to help you in your quest to truly tackle your fears for good and find true freedom. Reference them when you are getting frustrated in your personal growth. Most importantly, practice them! Practicing new behaviors is the only way to permanently change your brain chemistry, and ultimately, your actions, your personality, and your life.
STOP GIVING A CRAP WHAT OTHERS THINK
Every single journal entry I wrote before the age of twenty-four featured the same theme over and over: they always referenced someone else. “Spent the day with Joe at the park . . .” “Katie and I hung out at her house and drank green tea . . .” “Hung out with Paul and Zack today . . .” Page after page focused on other people.
Think about what relationships are ruling you. Maybe you’re ruled by your relationships to people, drugs, teachers, strangers, food, family, or a significant other. It may have taken years, but you must finally no longer be willing to entertain anyone else’s thoughts of you or what you should be doing with your life or your time. Your time is precious – it is yours and yours alone. People may not find value in the same things you find value in. That’s okay – do not let it derail you, because…
PEOPLE ARE WRONG
Okay, okay. They’re not always wrong. But their opinion is not always going to be yours, either.
I certainly don’t dismiss other people’s opinions or advice. In fact, when I realized that other people were totally fallible, for the first time in my life, this is when I actually truly heard them. I saw myself listening for the first time ever. I took advice, I considered things people told me about myself without getting insulted or defensive. I improved on my behaviors, I got nicer in my speech, and I adopted new words and mannerisms to express myself. However, I also saw other people’s opinions for exactly what they were: their own beliefs, based on their own life experience, and they were just a fallible as I was.
People are subject to human error. And that’s okay! (It just means they’re not robots.) It’s important to acknowledge that human error shows up in all kinds of ways. Make a promise to yourself to stop getting offended and defensive about how other people think you should live. Simply listen.
REALIZE OTHER PEOPLE’S BELIEFS CHANGE
If other people were just as fallible as I was, that meant that just like my opinions, their opinions could change. They often had. First of all, as far as I was concerned, everyone else had been dead wrong about what I was capable of for as long as I could remember. I had heard I “couldn’t do everything” and that I had to start “being realistic” my entire life. I was always discouraged from doing things “my way.” Even at my progressive college, my four mentors (the classic average was one—two at most) sat me down to advise me to “concentrate on acting.”
I asked them all, Why?
When I finally started to realize that I could do whatever I put my mind to regardless of anyone else’s opinions, and that “being realistic” was the surest way to dissolve my dreams for another five years, I started to take other people’s opinions with a grain of salt. They had their place if they were positive, but other than that I wasn’t going to stand around and be told what I could not do.
Ironically, the second I started to accomplish my goals, other people’s opinions about what I was capable of changed immediately. Suddenly it was expected that everything I did was wildly successful and fun, because that was the image I had created by living my life that way. This helped me evaluate what I really could do and inspired me to become more and more a person that former naysayers now believed in.
Since then I’ve learned that finding this conviction is the difference. It’s the difference between getting the job during the interview and losing it to the next person. It’s the difference between continuing your business in its current direction and knowing when you need to change course. It’s the difference between creating a life of stability and always feeling like you’re a few steps behind.
Once you have a foundation for who you want to be, and you begin to accomplish those goals, you are setting the stage for other people’s opinions of you. Recognize that other people are also human, beautiful, fallible, funny, fucked up, and everything in between. More importantly what other people say does not determine who you are. This is crucial to lasting change.
LEAVE JUDGMENTS AT THE DOOR
Take the time to pause before you judge someone—at least out loud. You can’t take your words back. When we pause, we can even start to rephrase our thoughts about a certain someone or even about the situation itself. When we step back from judgment, we can truly begin to reevaluate what place it has in our lives. We begin to get control of our own mind.
In order to stop being ruled by my relationships immediately, I made it simple for myself: if I had a judgment, question, or theory about someone else’s life choices, I just asked them about it. I noticed (in pretty short order) that many people got very defensive when I asked them about their lives or plans or current situations, and that was because I was, in essence, being judgmental. But a lot of people opened up to me. And after a few days of this I realized how silly (and hypocritical) it was of me to have judgments about anyone else at all, and how much time it had taken away from my own life and my own goals speculating about who Brad was seeing or what Marcy was doing or how my Aunt felt about something I did five years ago.
I literally just stopped. I was done wasting my time.
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THEM:
Like attracts like. People want to be around people who are like them—or better yet, people who make them better! Strive to make everyone and everything around you better, and watch as they miraculously become so.
Trying to change people sure did make me realize how silly it is to try to change anyone or anything but myself. I found way more productive things to do immediately, like meditate, write, go for a run, or work on my personal power.
JUST DO IT:
If you want your life to look differently, if you want to see the world, or start running, or lose weight, or start a business, or write a book, or quit your job, there is only one way to get there: Do It. Putting the blame on others for your faults, or giving yourself excuses not to live the life you want because of what other people may think, is depriving yourself of what you know you truly deserve. So whatever, whoever you want to be, put it out into the world. If you do this, people around you will follow suit.
Try it sincerely, and you’ll see!
Hat | Dress: Sustainably designed and ethically produced COSSAC | similar (if COSSAC dress is sold out) | Necklace
Photos by Arielle Levy
This article is a slightly adapted excerpt from my #1 bestselling book, Cured by Nature, which you can grab here.
by Tara Mackey | Blogroll, Happiness, Health, Mental Health, My Organic Life
The truth is, the happiest people I know are the ones who took a long, good look at their lives and went, “F**k it.” ( Fair warning, for those of you easily offended by four letter words, here’s where I’m gonna stop being polite in my spelling.)
Be it, ” Fuck it. I need a different job.” or “Fuck it. I need to leave this person” or “Fuck it. I need to move to Africa and help people less fortunate than I.” or “Fuck it. I’m playing hooky and going to the beach today”, it’s changed their lives. The idea of saying “Fuck it” to what you’re currently doing and embracing a different idea of what your life can look like in order to gain a different perspective is known to be daunting, challenging, frightening, super exciting, and it’s been coined: “Fuck It” Therapy.
Since he got up and left his life as an advertising creative in London, Founder of Fuck It Therapy John C. Parkin has written several Fuck It books, which have sold over 250,000 copies and been translated into 22 different languages. So it evidently has some resonance with people who are looking to simplify their life and stop worrying about the things that don’t really matter.
Ask anyone who’s come close to death, or lost someone close to them, or discovered they have a serious disease and they’ll say the same thing: that the little annoyances day to day, don’t matter. Here are 5 Steps to help you say “Fuck It” to the things that don’t matter and get some perspective on your life.
5. Be Conscious
Ever have a day that’s so beautiful you don’t want to share it on the internet? Or a day that’s so bad you can barely open your mouth to talk about it?
Essentially, Fuck It Therapy is all about True Mindfulness: getting away from your life and being able to examine it from the outside. Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. Whether it’s the taste of food, the feel of some good sheets, a warm shower, a walk in nature, or the voice of a good friend, being conscious and appreciative of what we’re experiencing is a huge and important step to genuinely experiencing it. When everything is simplified, when everyday life is reduced to some simple therapy sessions and going to the beach – perspective is so much easier to get. What you’ve spent weeks worrying about or given yourself an ulcer over suddenly doesn’t seem worth a second thought.
When we’re unhappy we drink a bit too much or work too hard or eat too much. When you shine a light on it – that means going “Okay – I don’t feel too happy.” – That is huge in itself. Just being conscious creates a major shift and always manages to improve things.
4. Realize That Some Shit Is Just Out Of Your Control
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao-Tzu
No matter how much structure we create in our lives, no matter how many good habits we build, there will always be things that we cannot control — and if we let them, these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress. If we are honest, most of us encounter problems that make them feel this way: with things that disrupt how we like things, with people who change what we are used to, with life when it doesn’t go the way we want it to go.
The truth is, you don’t control the universe, the drain pipes, other people’s feelings, the weather, or a whole other series of things.
The only way to truly not let this disrupt your life is to let go and realize that some things are out of your control. This philosophy is about accepting change without getting angry or frustrated. It’s taking what life gives you, rather than trying to mold life to be exactly as you want it to be. Shit happens. It’s up to us to find healthy ways to cope with it.
3. Do The Right Thing
Doing the “wrong thing” all the time had been such a source of my anxiety for years. It lead to so much clumsiness, regret and loss. Even though the experiences served as learning lessons, I knew I wanted to change my pattern of behavior for the better and for good. I realized early on that there was a huge difference between doing what I wanted to do, and doing the right thing at exactly the right time.
I got there only one way: Saying “Fuck It” to my selfish tendencies and putting myself in other people’s shoes. Really remembering that other people are real people with real feelings. Being there for someone when they need it even though I was exhausted and tired. Making that phone call and spending a good deal of time talking to my family instead of going to that party. Flying across the country to be with a friend who needed me. Writing down my feelings and dealing with them in conversations instead of shutting myself off. So many little steps that added up to a place of finally feeling like I was doing the right thing all the time. And they all came from saying “Fuck it” to my own needs, and opening myself up to other people’s ideas. It lead me to indulging in just being the nicest, best possible person for others. Call it an experiment – it worked, and it’s changed me profoundly.
2. Stop Caring About What Other People Think
A common conversation on hikes between myself and my down-to-earth model/actress friends is our lament about how crazy it is that after all our soul searching, we literally chose a career where we are judged/cast/granted work solely on what we look like and rarely even ever get to open our mouths about who we really are in the casting or audition process, when we don’t really believe in that philosophy in any way, or practice it ourselves when interacting with others. However, we do always come to the same conclusion: If we truly cared what other people thought, we couldn’t do this job. ( What with it’s constant rejection and never-ending tendency to get thrown under the microscope.)
The most liberated people I know are the ones who truly don’t care what other people think. Caring what others think has a nasty consequence: we tend to adjust our course. Whether it’s a feeling of competition, disappointment, anger or regret, these feelings bring us to only one place: down. And when we feel down we tend to do self-affirming or self-destructive things. We get cloudy-headed. Even if they seem harmless, these things can be distractions in our own path to wellness, happiness and our best goals.
Ultimately, relying on what you know is right and saying “Fuck It” to what others think will help you achieve your wildest dreams.
1. Worry Less, Live More
Ease up, let go, feel the flow, relax. These things sound pretty easy to some people and totally impossible (or very hippy dippy) to others. But truly, getting some perspective on your worry is essential to dealing with it. It feels SO good to admit that some of your biggest problems are just mild annoyances. Getting the courage to do anything comes from the courage to do little things along the way, like letting go, learning methods to de-stress, living more and making brave decisions. Meditation, journaling, laughing and being open in conversation with friends, family and loved ones are some methods that will help you get there!
Have you said “Fuck It” to something in your life and made a profound move?
Love & Light
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