by Tara Mackey | Blogroll, Happiness, Health
No one’s life is perfect all of the time. Not everyone is going to agree with you all the time. However, it’s when we chose to use our voices to empower others, instead of to complain, we allow ourselves to truly feel happiness & we start to get the life we felt that we deserved all along.
I have made friends in the least likely of places. At my book signings, while opening up publicly about my childhood trauma. Through so many apps, which I used to think were silly. During detox, probably one of the least pretty times I’ve been through. I’ve made friends because of other’s people’s negative critiques about me, a judgment that I used to be so afraid of. These things have now brought the most incredible people into my life, hundreds of times over.
This has all come about because six years ago I made a huge commitment to myself – stop complaining. Stop judging. If you don’t have anything nice to say, say NOTHING and move on.
I know this can be difficult. We were literally genetically formed to judge others – for our ultimate survival. But in today’s world, day to day judgements, speculation and gossip really don’t serve us. This is especially true when the negativity is directed at another person or group of people. In the last few years I’ve learned that speaking negatively is a poison arrow. Our complaints are like arrows shot up into the air at no target; with no purpose they only fall back down onto our own heads.
Poisoned and meant for our enemy, they destroy us – NOT our enemy.
When you speak negatively about someone, instead of garnering sympathy or attention or whatever you seek, you are hurting yourself. How?
Negativity is the biggest tell: anyone who is truly happy has absolutely no notion to focus on the negativity in life. Someone who is truly happy has no time left in their life to complain about the hands that they’ve been dealt – they are too busy living well. When you’re truly hell bent on happiness, you’re living feverishly, making up for that wasted time when things might have been less-than-perfect in your past.
Yes, we can all complain about something or someone *if we wanted to.* No one’s life is perfect all of the time. Not everyone is going to agree with you all the time. However, it’s when we chose to use our voices to empower others, instead of to complain, that we truly feel happiness & start to get the life we feel that we deserve.
Clearly, there is a divine order to the universe. I am living proof that even the ‘worst things’ that can happen to us are many times blessings in disguise! Other people do not determine who you are or how others may view you. They can TRY, but at the end of the day people form opinions for themselves. Sometimes the good takes a minute to reveal itself. Don’t let this discourage you.
So, here is my challenge, or my self-realization project, if you will.
Today, I am recommitting myself to better serve those around me. I am going to be kinder. People have been through experiences you may know nothing about, even when you’re using them as a soundboard to voice your grievances. They may be able to check you if you’re coming from a negative place because of their past experience. Your drama or issues with other people are yours alone, so deal with them that way.
What if everyone in the world projected their best self (instead of their crazy crap) onto their friends and family every single day? There would be no time left for negativity! That’s why trying to make people feel bad for not feeling the way that you feel (or allowing them to do the same to you!) is low energy and a waste of your time.
Maybe it was my polite roman catholic upbringing, but I still get an icky, I’m-probably-going-to-hell kind of feeling when I find myself judging. Any of my loved ones can tell you that it’s always been super difficult to get me to point out someone’s flaws, since I don’t see any positive outcome in doing so. However, there is always room for improvement: to abstain completely from judgmental thoughts is the true goal, because judgmental thoughts do not serve me and don’t do anyone any good. They are another poison arrow. So, ridding myself completely of judgmental thoughts will be a big part of my new self-love project.
Most people in this world want love and happiness for themselves and others, but there’s a small portion of people that just don’t. They don’t want you to get stronger, or be better or get healthier. These people think that loving and caring for yourself is selfish, or they think that you believe you’re better than someone else because you care about yourself or begin to treat yourself lovingly. Maybe they’re a boyfriend or girlfriend or a stuck-on ex you can’t get rid of – maybe they’re your mom or your best friend or someone you never even noticed before. But you can bet that they’re there, and they’re often either close to you or trying to get closer. They may seem like the hardest people to get rid of or be kind to.
If you’re having a hard time being kind, walk away, then focus on consistently being your best self. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. The less explaining that you do, the more time you have for positive things.
I am also going to try to do more “walking away”. It’s easy to get swept up in the negative news or the frustration of traffic or other people’s judgements of you. Begin the process of realizing that they are small blips in time that can’t affect you if you don’t let them. You don’t need others approval to feel strong or to get better. What’s happening in Washington is not happening in your living room. What’s happening on social media does not need to be happening in your headspace. In order to do the most good for others, you first need to work on yourself. It’s hard to walk away, but it’s completely worth it. It gives you more time to focus on you, and working on you is paramount to helping others work on themselves and making the world a better place.
If I’m having a hard time with something, I’m going to give it LESS of my energy. This doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore it or put it aside: this means I am going to focus on the solution, instead of the problem.
I encourage you to join me.
Let’s keep reminding ourselves to always speak from our hearts ONLY. If you come from your heart ONLY, people will gravitate towards you for all the right reasons.
Be the light. Spread the love.
Photos by Arielle Levy | Shirt: Stay Happy Stay Weird
by Tara Mackey | Blogroll, Happiness, Health
Fears are funny little beliefs we have that trigger chemical reactions in us. They usually mean different things for different people. The same thing that scares someone to death, like jumping out of a plane, is a sport that someone like Guinness World Record holder Don Kellner has done over 42,000 times since 1961, purely for fun!
Here are important steps to help you in your quest to truly tackle your fears for good and find true freedom. Reference them when you are getting frustrated in your personal growth. Most importantly, practice them! Practicing new behaviors is the only way to permanently change your brain chemistry, and ultimately, your actions, your personality, and your life.
STOP GIVING A CRAP WHAT OTHERS THINK
Every single journal entry I wrote before the age of twenty-four featured the same theme over and over: they always referenced someone else. “Spent the day with Joe at the park . . .” “Katie and I hung out at her house and drank green tea . . .” “Hung out with Paul and Zack today . . .” Page after page focused on other people.
Think about what relationships are ruling you. Maybe you’re ruled by your relationships to people, drugs, teachers, strangers, food, family, or a significant other. It may have taken years, but you must finally no longer be willing to entertain anyone else’s thoughts of you or what you should be doing with your life or your time. Your time is precious – it is yours and yours alone. People may not find value in the same things you find value in. That’s okay – do not let it derail you, because…
PEOPLE ARE WRONG
Okay, okay. They’re not always wrong. But their opinion is not always going to be yours, either.
I certainly don’t dismiss other people’s opinions or advice. In fact, when I realized that other people were totally fallible, for the first time in my life, this is when I actually truly heard them. I saw myself listening for the first time ever. I took advice, I considered things people told me about myself without getting insulted or defensive. I improved on my behaviors, I got nicer in my speech, and I adopted new words and mannerisms to express myself. However, I also saw other people’s opinions for exactly what they were: their own beliefs, based on their own life experience, and they were just a fallible as I was.
People are subject to human error. And that’s okay! (It just means they’re not robots.) It’s important to acknowledge that human error shows up in all kinds of ways. Make a promise to yourself to stop getting offended and defensive about how other people think you should live. Simply listen.
REALIZE OTHER PEOPLE’S BELIEFS CHANGE
If other people were just as fallible as I was, that meant that just like my opinions, their opinions could change. They often had. First of all, as far as I was concerned, everyone else had been dead wrong about what I was capable of for as long as I could remember. I had heard I “couldn’t do everything” and that I had to start “being realistic” my entire life. I was always discouraged from doing things “my way.” Even at my progressive college, my four mentors (the classic average was one—two at most) sat me down to advise me to “concentrate on acting.”
I asked them all, Why?
When I finally started to realize that I could do whatever I put my mind to regardless of anyone else’s opinions, and that “being realistic” was the surest way to dissolve my dreams for another five years, I started to take other people’s opinions with a grain of salt. They had their place if they were positive, but other than that I wasn’t going to stand around and be told what I could not do.
Ironically, the second I started to accomplish my goals, other people’s opinions about what I was capable of changed immediately. Suddenly it was expected that everything I did was wildly successful and fun, because that was the image I had created by living my life that way. This helped me evaluate what I really could do and inspired me to become more and more a person that former naysayers now believed in.
Since then I’ve learned that finding this conviction is the difference. It’s the difference between getting the job during the interview and losing it to the next person. It’s the difference between continuing your business in its current direction and knowing when you need to change course. It’s the difference between creating a life of stability and always feeling like you’re a few steps behind.
Once you have a foundation for who you want to be, and you begin to accomplish those goals, you are setting the stage for other people’s opinions of you. Recognize that other people are also human, beautiful, fallible, funny, fucked up, and everything in between. More importantly what other people say does not determine who you are. This is crucial to lasting change.
LEAVE JUDGMENTS AT THE DOOR
Take the time to pause before you judge someone—at least out loud. You can’t take your words back. When we pause, we can even start to rephrase our thoughts about a certain someone or even about the situation itself. When we step back from judgment, we can truly begin to reevaluate what place it has in our lives. We begin to get control of our own mind.
In order to stop being ruled by my relationships immediately, I made it simple for myself: if I had a judgment, question, or theory about someone else’s life choices, I just asked them about it. I noticed (in pretty short order) that many people got very defensive when I asked them about their lives or plans or current situations, and that was because I was, in essence, being judgmental. But a lot of people opened up to me. And after a few days of this I realized how silly (and hypocritical) it was of me to have judgments about anyone else at all, and how much time it had taken away from my own life and my own goals speculating about who Brad was seeing or what Marcy was doing or how my Aunt felt about something I did five years ago.
I literally just stopped. I was done wasting my time.
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THEM:
Like attracts like. People want to be around people who are like them—or better yet, people who make them better! Strive to make everyone and everything around you better, and watch as they miraculously become so.
Trying to change people sure did make me realize how silly it is to try to change anyone or anything but myself. I found way more productive things to do immediately, like meditate, write, go for a run, or work on my personal power.
JUST DO IT:
If you want your life to look differently, if you want to see the world, or start running, or lose weight, or start a business, or write a book, or quit your job, there is only one way to get there: Do It. Putting the blame on others for your faults, or giving yourself excuses not to live the life you want because of what other people may think, is depriving yourself of what you know you truly deserve. So whatever, whoever you want to be, put it out into the world. If you do this, people around you will follow suit.
Try it sincerely, and you’ll see!
Hat | Dress: Sustainably designed and ethically produced COSSAC | similar (if COSSAC dress is sold out) | Necklace
Photos by Arielle Levy
This article is a slightly adapted excerpt from my #1 bestselling book, Cured by Nature, which you can grab here.
